Monday, December 13, 2010
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places. ~Author Unknown
I think I plateau every 10 lbs or so. It seems like I lose ten pounds start feeling good about it, get motivated, get excited about the new shape emerging and then bam! Nothing. Nothing for several days now. I am not gaining anything, but that is not okay. I am not losing either. It sucks. Bad. I am really frustrated. I just need to get back on it. So tonight I am going to do two classes. I am going to eat my meals on time and totally sanctioned. Hopefully I can get it moving again. It is way too tempting to want to stop and sit still for a while. I hate the way it makes me feel though. My belly is bloated and I can tell. I think I might be about to start my period and maybe that is why I also plateau. It usually takes me about a month to lose a solid 10 pounds and that is right about on schedule with my cycle. I just have to push through it, make it happen. Another ten pounds is mine for the taking. It will not happen without hard work. I have to make it happen. I have no choice. Nothing else to do. I am not okay with where I am now or slipping back. Never slipping back. I would die before I let that happen again. So here I am. Where and what do I do from here. Just what I have been doing so far, just with a little more determination. It has to happen.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
"Never, never, never give up" -Winston Churchill
It ebbs and flows. This determination of mine. I wish it was a little more consistent, but unfortunately it is not. I really want to give up, give in. I have come way too far to give up and I have put myself out there so much that I would be so lame if I did. I want to though. I am tired and I don't feel good. Maybe I am PMSing. I have noticed in the last few months that my cycle really affects my mood. It is right about that time. Maybe that is all it is and I just need to get through it. I am so grateful for the fact that I have gotten so many people into playing the game with me. They are all counting on me. Being the first to play and bring it to everyone keeps me on plan. It keeps me thinking about it. I think about it all the time. I wish sometimes I could turn it off, but I can't!!! I eat, drink, sleep weight loss. I need to get used to it because it never stops. Even when you get to your goal weight. It never stops. But I would much rather live with that than live with being fat.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I am moving my blog over here....
Here are the last bunch of posts from livejournal. I am moving my blog over here. It seems like most blogs I follow are over here and the format is easier for me.
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Dec. 7th, 2010 at 9:50 PM
Today has not been a good day. I have been frustrated, hungry, grumpy, tired and just surly in general today. I am certainly at the end of my rope. I still did everything I should do. I went and did an hour Zumba class tonight. My knee was bugging me so it made it rough. I pushed through it and now I am ready for bed.
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. -Martin Luther King Jr.
Dec. 7th, 2010 at 2:22 AM
So, Martin Luther King, Jr. had much, much deeper issues on his mind when he wrote/spoke these words. I know that there are much, much deeper things in this dark, deep universe than what I have to talk about... things that actually deserve our attention. I, in no way want to dispair what he had to say or what he meant with the words he spoke. However, I find great strength and wisdom in these words. Today was a rough day. I found out I was not going to get the job that I had wanted. Or, I thought I wanted. I am so disappointed in myself, in the situation I am in. I am a little at a crossroads in my life. Dare I say, a midlife crisis at 33? Not really, but nearly. Can I avert such things? Is it possible to take the reins now? To make up for lost time? I fear that I may never be able to have the strength that it takes to be in control... truly in control of who I am, what I do, what I say, where I go, what happens to me, what I eat, how I feel, the way I see the world, the way the world ultimately bows to my will... I can make this all happen. I can do this! Do I dare take the lead my will provides or do I sit and wait for this episode of grandiose daydreaming to pass? I can have hope. I had hope once and it brought me here. Hope brought me to strength and strength brought me a long, long way. Strength made it possible for me to be here. I am hopeful that I am capable. It is the same strength that I feel as I go to sleep tonight, content in the absolute fact that I did everything I could today to let hope spring eternal. To let it rule my life. We should never lose sight of infinite hope and what that means to each of us. What that means in the deepest parts of our souls. We must find strength where we can. And hope where we can not. Now, off to get my GOOD night's sleep and hopefully tomorrow I will wake up strong, if nothing else I can hope for that...
Elly
Strength is a matter of the made-up mind. -John Beecher
Dec. 6th, 2010 at 12:43 PM
So the last little bit I have been really noticing how much I have changed. You know when you live with something or someone every day, all day you don't really notice small changes. Losing weight and getting healthy has been a series of little changes. I haven't really noticed. It's been hard work and I have had to really stick with it, but I am starting to notice. Sometimes it will be obvious and I can't help but see that I have lost weight. For example I can button a pair of pants that used to squeeze me so much it was uncomfortable or I go to the store to buy a new top and the sales clerk ushers me towards the missus side of the store when I begin to browse the 1X, 2X, 3X tops. It was actually quite funny. I was there looking at the options. Thinking to myself "Why do they never have cute, stylish stuff for big girls?" I held up a top, size 1X, happy with myself that I am actually looking at a 1X top and considering buying it instead of a 3X that I knew was going to be too tight. I thought it looked a little big on the hanger, but I was going to try it on. I grabbed a couple other items and headed back to the dressing room. I tried on the top. The seams on the shoulders practically hung all the way down to my elbows. The empire waistline was so loose you couldn't even see it. It was a tent on me. I tried on another top, same thing. I came out of the dressing room, probably with a look of astonishment on my face. I told the sales clerk I needed a smaller size and she offered to get it for me. I followed her to see if there were other styles, I was thinking that maybe it was just the style. She walked directly to the normal size racks. Pulled several different tops that she thought I would like. I did like them. They were cute and certainly not available on the other side of the store. We went back to the dressing room. She saw the items I had just tried on hanging in the room and apologized that they had not cleared out the dressing room from the last person who used it. She didn't think I needed those larger sizes. It did not even cross her mind that maybe that size would fit me. I looked at the sizes on the new tops. Large. LARGE. Not extra large, not extra, extra large. Large. There was no way that they would fit me. I haven't come THAT far. They looked tiny hanging on the hanger there in the dressing room. Tiny, like clothes looked to me when I was 300 pounds and could not even fit a top like these over my shoulders, let alone wear them. Like doll clothes. I took the first one off the hanger. I undid the button at the neck and pulled it over my head. It easily slipped down over my shoulders and settled comfortably around my waist. My back had just happened to be towards the mirror. I turned around. Looking at me, wearing the shirt I just put on was a miniature version of myself. My shoulders were small and my collar bones were delicate, but you could see the strength in the muscles I have built up with consistent work. My waistline was smooth, without a visible spare tire or muffin top. Instead of the roll of chub I call "my apron" hanging out from below my shirt and making my jeans not fit right there was smoothness from below my belt. And not to mention, I was wearing a belt. One that actually fit. I saw a version of myself that I liked. Not one that I could just tolerate. And I liked the way it felt. I have made up my mind that I want to feel like this all the time. Not just on "good" days or when I find a pair of jeans that I "think" fit and hide my flaws. I want to always be able to run my hands down my sides and over my hips and feel tightness and not rolls of chub. My mind is made up and for today, for right now I will do what it takes to keep what I have worked for and get where I want to be.
Until next time,
Elly
191.2 and shrinking...
Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do. -Shaquille O' Neil
Oct. 15th, 2010 at 9:05 AM
I am sure of one thing. If I continue to eat properly, work out daily, drink my water every day than there is absolutely no way the outcome can be anything but me losing weight. I see it in little things every day. Last night at Zumba class (which KICKED my ass) I kept on watching myself in the mirror. I saw someone who could pretty much keep up with the instructor and the rest of the class. My body moved in a way that it should. I am so proud of myself. Is that wrong to say? I feel like it is. I have always been so self depricating because I have never felt like I deserved being proud of myself. If I ever recieved a compliment I would immediately say some stupid comment to take the focus away, make fun of myself or something else like that. It feels really good to feel good about myself. I am proud of what I have accomplished. However I know that I need to stay focused. Continue to do the things that I know will make a difference. I am not sure how I will handle being a total skinny hottie. Today I am going to embrace what I have accomplished so far. I am going to relish in the fact that my legs are skinnier than I ever remember them being, I can dance for an hour straight, I can stay on my food plan, I can comfortably button up a pair of size 14 jeans that I never could have a month ago, I can see my collar bones without shrugging my shoulders, I almost feel comfortable enough to "put myself out there", I am truly proud of myself.
The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi
Oct. 14th, 2010 at 4:30 PM
So, I am going to pick back up on this blog. I was reading through some of the posts going back all the way to January 2008. It amazes me how miserable I was and how much I wanted this change to happen. I am so proud of myself for actually doing it. I am not exactly sure what happened. Back then I felt like it would take a miracle to lose any amount of weight and here I sit, 120 lbs lighter than I was and very much on track to get to my goal. Something changed, something clicked and I am not stopping until it happens... all the way. I see my belly getting smaller everyday. Last night I walked past the bathroom mirror in my underwear and caught a brief glimpse and was not horrified at what I saw. It was kinda funny, I walked past it a couple more times to make sure that what I saw was really the truth. I couldn't believe it and thought my mind was playing tricks on me. I have a long way to go still to get to my healthy goal weight and even then I know I will have a long journey of accepting it and keeping it off. Writing it out helps me process the changes and is very cathartic for me. So here goes. This fat girl is going skinny and nothing is gonna stop her!
Oct. 9th, 2008 at 8:59 AM
I feel like I should be at my breaking point. The point in which I say enough is enough. The scary thing is that I feel complacent. I feel like giving up and just letting my weight climb and climb. I feel the rolls getting bigger, I feel the double chin starting, I feel the weight in my lower back and in every joint and I just do not seem to care. This is probably the most terrifying feeling I have ever had. I AM NOT OK BEING FAT, but I continue to let myself. I know everyone struggles with their weight. They gain a few pounds and they say that they are getting a double chin... but they aren't. I really am. I am officially the fattest person I know and I have no motivation to change it. So what do I do to change it. How do I begin. I am just so unmotivated to put in any effort. I have a 2000.00 treadmill sitting in my family room unused! That is simply pathetic.
I am going to take one step forward today. When I get home from work before I do anything else I am going to get on that treadmill and walk. I have to do something. I have to rid myself of this complacency. It is not ok and it will never be ok. I just wish that there was some magic way I could do this. I need a miracle and I fear that it will not happen.
I am as strong and as powerful as I need to be. 13.1 or 6.2, it is all amazing. -Me
Apr. 20th, 2008 at 11:38 PM
It is probably obvious that I did not do a half marathon. That feat of sheer strength and mental willingness will come next year. I believe that a year to plan for 13.1 miles is more realistic when it comes to my situation. I commit in the deepest parts of my heart that I will run it next year. I know without a shadow of doubt that I can make it happen. I will run it for every one that believes in me and most importantly for my dearest friend (who apparently has plans to be knocked up next April). I will do it with her freakin' number on my back. She revolutionized the way I think about health and being as skinny and awesome as I possibly can. It is kinda funny because I laughed out loud when she asked me to do the half marathon with her, but that was the shit that kept me on track for months. I lost almost 25 pounds and I am so much better off for it, I am back on track effective NOW. There has never been something in my life that has made a difference as much as that drunken night when Aleigh asked me to run a half marathon. Yesterday morning at 7:30 when we started running and 95 minutes later when I crossed the finished line I was completely empowered and completely in awe of my friend. I did it on my own, she ran ahead and finished in her time, but I finished too. I did it, ME... it is a gigantic accomplishment and I am in love with being a part of the whole experience. I love it. It has completely changed my life. Thank you, thank you for being there for me. It was the biggest thing I have ever done and I love the feeling I had as I looked up to the clouds and blue sky on April 19th, as I hit the 2 mile point and thought "THIS SHIT IS EASY! I HAVE IT IN THE BAG!!" I have no one to thank but Aleigh. I love you and you have changed this person forever.
Apr. 9th, 2008 at 8:40 AM
Well I am not dead. I have been really struggling the last 2 weeks. I had totally and completely given up. I fell into this deep funk that I could not shake. Nothing I do it good enough, nothing I attempt is successful and so on and so on. I have decided that I simply need to get back on it and start feeling good about where I am and where I am headed. I found out today that we may have mono. My younger son had his blood tested and it was clear, but myself and my older son are both showing signs and we will get tested today. I have been sooooo overly tired and I fear for the worse. Until the doctor tells me that I can't work out for a while I have committed to doing at least 45 minutes on the treadmill. My brother also sent me the bodygym workout dvd so I can get started on that. I plan on doing that in the morning before I start the daily routine with the boys. I just need to make sure that I get to bed at a decent hour and I need to not drink. I am too old to get hung over and it happens every time without fail.
So, here I am back where I should be. I commit to daily workout and daily blog updates. It is the only thing that keeps me on track.
Bad excuses are worse than none. -Thomas Fuller
Mar. 27th, 2008 at 8:44 PM
I have been really bad at posting. I always feel a little out of control and a little out focus when I do not post. I did not work out yesterday. I made every excuse not to. It was not good. I did get there today and I did a little over 45 minutes. I really feel it when I am not consistent. I can't let my self slide. I want this so badly right now and the only way I am going to make it happen is by persevering and staying consistent. I can't eat whatever whenever I want and expect to stay any way but fat. There is something holding me where I am right now and I need to identify it and overcome it. I have been seriously considering some therapy or twelve step work. There are demons that haunt my world that many people wouldn't understand (I say that however more people than I could ever imagine probably do understand). In fact, the thing that gives me hope is that I do not have to let these demons haunt my world forever, I just let them now. Others do not struggle like I do and I possibly could lead a normal life. I know there are people that understand, but I know that the only person who really needs to understand what makes me self destruct is me. It is a slow destruction, almost worse than a drug addict that goes out and gets doped up or an alcoholic who drinks all the time. In a way you can remove yourself from the triggers, the numbing medicine so to speak, but I can't remove myself from food and it is so hard to stay active when all I want to do is sleep or lay on my bed and watch tv. I need to get over the things that have brought me to this point before I can truly succeed. There is a person inside me that I want to be and I must make it happen.
I am so sorry if none of this makes sense. I am rambling, but it is a hard truth that I must face. It is something that I have been avoiding for the better part of 20 years. This journal may very well take a decided turn as I explore the reasons behind the hiding I do. It is raw and it is deep and it will not get better until I deal with it. I find it so hard to really give myself the right to admit that awful things have happened, so much worse has happened to people close to me. I got through it fairly unscathed, but not unscathed enough. I sometimes wonder if my pain is worth even talking about. I have such a sense of worthlessness. I feel like my pain is not even worth it, like it is not big enough. I feel like nothing I ever do is worth anything... walking, talking mediocrity.
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Dec. 7th, 2010 at 9:50 PM
Today has not been a good day. I have been frustrated, hungry, grumpy, tired and just surly in general today. I am certainly at the end of my rope. I still did everything I should do. I went and did an hour Zumba class tonight. My knee was bugging me so it made it rough. I pushed through it and now I am ready for bed.
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. -Martin Luther King Jr.
Dec. 7th, 2010 at 2:22 AM
So, Martin Luther King, Jr. had much, much deeper issues on his mind when he wrote/spoke these words. I know that there are much, much deeper things in this dark, deep universe than what I have to talk about... things that actually deserve our attention. I, in no way want to dispair what he had to say or what he meant with the words he spoke. However, I find great strength and wisdom in these words. Today was a rough day. I found out I was not going to get the job that I had wanted. Or, I thought I wanted. I am so disappointed in myself, in the situation I am in. I am a little at a crossroads in my life. Dare I say, a midlife crisis at 33? Not really, but nearly. Can I avert such things? Is it possible to take the reins now? To make up for lost time? I fear that I may never be able to have the strength that it takes to be in control... truly in control of who I am, what I do, what I say, where I go, what happens to me, what I eat, how I feel, the way I see the world, the way the world ultimately bows to my will... I can make this all happen. I can do this! Do I dare take the lead my will provides or do I sit and wait for this episode of grandiose daydreaming to pass? I can have hope. I had hope once and it brought me here. Hope brought me to strength and strength brought me a long, long way. Strength made it possible for me to be here. I am hopeful that I am capable. It is the same strength that I feel as I go to sleep tonight, content in the absolute fact that I did everything I could today to let hope spring eternal. To let it rule my life. We should never lose sight of infinite hope and what that means to each of us. What that means in the deepest parts of our souls. We must find strength where we can. And hope where we can not. Now, off to get my GOOD night's sleep and hopefully tomorrow I will wake up strong, if nothing else I can hope for that...
Elly
Strength is a matter of the made-up mind. -John Beecher
Dec. 6th, 2010 at 12:43 PM
So the last little bit I have been really noticing how much I have changed. You know when you live with something or someone every day, all day you don't really notice small changes. Losing weight and getting healthy has been a series of little changes. I haven't really noticed. It's been hard work and I have had to really stick with it, but I am starting to notice. Sometimes it will be obvious and I can't help but see that I have lost weight. For example I can button a pair of pants that used to squeeze me so much it was uncomfortable or I go to the store to buy a new top and the sales clerk ushers me towards the missus side of the store when I begin to browse the 1X, 2X, 3X tops. It was actually quite funny. I was there looking at the options. Thinking to myself "Why do they never have cute, stylish stuff for big girls?" I held up a top, size 1X, happy with myself that I am actually looking at a 1X top and considering buying it instead of a 3X that I knew was going to be too tight. I thought it looked a little big on the hanger, but I was going to try it on. I grabbed a couple other items and headed back to the dressing room. I tried on the top. The seams on the shoulders practically hung all the way down to my elbows. The empire waistline was so loose you couldn't even see it. It was a tent on me. I tried on another top, same thing. I came out of the dressing room, probably with a look of astonishment on my face. I told the sales clerk I needed a smaller size and she offered to get it for me. I followed her to see if there were other styles, I was thinking that maybe it was just the style. She walked directly to the normal size racks. Pulled several different tops that she thought I would like. I did like them. They were cute and certainly not available on the other side of the store. We went back to the dressing room. She saw the items I had just tried on hanging in the room and apologized that they had not cleared out the dressing room from the last person who used it. She didn't think I needed those larger sizes. It did not even cross her mind that maybe that size would fit me. I looked at the sizes on the new tops. Large. LARGE. Not extra large, not extra, extra large. Large. There was no way that they would fit me. I haven't come THAT far. They looked tiny hanging on the hanger there in the dressing room. Tiny, like clothes looked to me when I was 300 pounds and could not even fit a top like these over my shoulders, let alone wear them. Like doll clothes. I took the first one off the hanger. I undid the button at the neck and pulled it over my head. It easily slipped down over my shoulders and settled comfortably around my waist. My back had just happened to be towards the mirror. I turned around. Looking at me, wearing the shirt I just put on was a miniature version of myself. My shoulders were small and my collar bones were delicate, but you could see the strength in the muscles I have built up with consistent work. My waistline was smooth, without a visible spare tire or muffin top. Instead of the roll of chub I call "my apron" hanging out from below my shirt and making my jeans not fit right there was smoothness from below my belt. And not to mention, I was wearing a belt. One that actually fit. I saw a version of myself that I liked. Not one that I could just tolerate. And I liked the way it felt. I have made up my mind that I want to feel like this all the time. Not just on "good" days or when I find a pair of jeans that I "think" fit and hide my flaws. I want to always be able to run my hands down my sides and over my hips and feel tightness and not rolls of chub. My mind is made up and for today, for right now I will do what it takes to keep what I have worked for and get where I want to be.
Until next time,
Elly
191.2 and shrinking...
Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do. -Shaquille O' Neil
Oct. 15th, 2010 at 9:05 AM
I am sure of one thing. If I continue to eat properly, work out daily, drink my water every day than there is absolutely no way the outcome can be anything but me losing weight. I see it in little things every day. Last night at Zumba class (which KICKED my ass) I kept on watching myself in the mirror. I saw someone who could pretty much keep up with the instructor and the rest of the class. My body moved in a way that it should. I am so proud of myself. Is that wrong to say? I feel like it is. I have always been so self depricating because I have never felt like I deserved being proud of myself. If I ever recieved a compliment I would immediately say some stupid comment to take the focus away, make fun of myself or something else like that. It feels really good to feel good about myself. I am proud of what I have accomplished. However I know that I need to stay focused. Continue to do the things that I know will make a difference. I am not sure how I will handle being a total skinny hottie. Today I am going to embrace what I have accomplished so far. I am going to relish in the fact that my legs are skinnier than I ever remember them being, I can dance for an hour straight, I can stay on my food plan, I can comfortably button up a pair of size 14 jeans that I never could have a month ago, I can see my collar bones without shrugging my shoulders, I almost feel comfortable enough to "put myself out there", I am truly proud of myself.
The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi
Oct. 14th, 2010 at 4:30 PM
So, I am going to pick back up on this blog. I was reading through some of the posts going back all the way to January 2008. It amazes me how miserable I was and how much I wanted this change to happen. I am so proud of myself for actually doing it. I am not exactly sure what happened. Back then I felt like it would take a miracle to lose any amount of weight and here I sit, 120 lbs lighter than I was and very much on track to get to my goal. Something changed, something clicked and I am not stopping until it happens... all the way. I see my belly getting smaller everyday. Last night I walked past the bathroom mirror in my underwear and caught a brief glimpse and was not horrified at what I saw. It was kinda funny, I walked past it a couple more times to make sure that what I saw was really the truth. I couldn't believe it and thought my mind was playing tricks on me. I have a long way to go still to get to my healthy goal weight and even then I know I will have a long journey of accepting it and keeping it off. Writing it out helps me process the changes and is very cathartic for me. So here goes. This fat girl is going skinny and nothing is gonna stop her!
Oct. 9th, 2008 at 8:59 AM
I feel like I should be at my breaking point. The point in which I say enough is enough. The scary thing is that I feel complacent. I feel like giving up and just letting my weight climb and climb. I feel the rolls getting bigger, I feel the double chin starting, I feel the weight in my lower back and in every joint and I just do not seem to care. This is probably the most terrifying feeling I have ever had. I AM NOT OK BEING FAT, but I continue to let myself. I know everyone struggles with their weight. They gain a few pounds and they say that they are getting a double chin... but they aren't. I really am. I am officially the fattest person I know and I have no motivation to change it. So what do I do to change it. How do I begin. I am just so unmotivated to put in any effort. I have a 2000.00 treadmill sitting in my family room unused! That is simply pathetic.
I am going to take one step forward today. When I get home from work before I do anything else I am going to get on that treadmill and walk. I have to do something. I have to rid myself of this complacency. It is not ok and it will never be ok. I just wish that there was some magic way I could do this. I need a miracle and I fear that it will not happen.
I am as strong and as powerful as I need to be. 13.1 or 6.2, it is all amazing. -Me
Apr. 20th, 2008 at 11:38 PM
It is probably obvious that I did not do a half marathon. That feat of sheer strength and mental willingness will come next year. I believe that a year to plan for 13.1 miles is more realistic when it comes to my situation. I commit in the deepest parts of my heart that I will run it next year. I know without a shadow of doubt that I can make it happen. I will run it for every one that believes in me and most importantly for my dearest friend (who apparently has plans to be knocked up next April). I will do it with her freakin' number on my back. She revolutionized the way I think about health and being as skinny and awesome as I possibly can. It is kinda funny because I laughed out loud when she asked me to do the half marathon with her, but that was the shit that kept me on track for months. I lost almost 25 pounds and I am so much better off for it, I am back on track effective NOW. There has never been something in my life that has made a difference as much as that drunken night when Aleigh asked me to run a half marathon. Yesterday morning at 7:30 when we started running and 95 minutes later when I crossed the finished line I was completely empowered and completely in awe of my friend. I did it on my own, she ran ahead and finished in her time, but I finished too. I did it, ME... it is a gigantic accomplishment and I am in love with being a part of the whole experience. I love it. It has completely changed my life. Thank you, thank you for being there for me. It was the biggest thing I have ever done and I love the feeling I had as I looked up to the clouds and blue sky on April 19th, as I hit the 2 mile point and thought "THIS SHIT IS EASY! I HAVE IT IN THE BAG!!" I have no one to thank but Aleigh. I love you and you have changed this person forever.
Apr. 9th, 2008 at 8:40 AM
Well I am not dead. I have been really struggling the last 2 weeks. I had totally and completely given up. I fell into this deep funk that I could not shake. Nothing I do it good enough, nothing I attempt is successful and so on and so on. I have decided that I simply need to get back on it and start feeling good about where I am and where I am headed. I found out today that we may have mono. My younger son had his blood tested and it was clear, but myself and my older son are both showing signs and we will get tested today. I have been sooooo overly tired and I fear for the worse. Until the doctor tells me that I can't work out for a while I have committed to doing at least 45 minutes on the treadmill. My brother also sent me the bodygym workout dvd so I can get started on that. I plan on doing that in the morning before I start the daily routine with the boys. I just need to make sure that I get to bed at a decent hour and I need to not drink. I am too old to get hung over and it happens every time without fail.
So, here I am back where I should be. I commit to daily workout and daily blog updates. It is the only thing that keeps me on track.
Bad excuses are worse than none. -Thomas Fuller
Mar. 27th, 2008 at 8:44 PM
I have been really bad at posting. I always feel a little out of control and a little out focus when I do not post. I did not work out yesterday. I made every excuse not to. It was not good. I did get there today and I did a little over 45 minutes. I really feel it when I am not consistent. I can't let my self slide. I want this so badly right now and the only way I am going to make it happen is by persevering and staying consistent. I can't eat whatever whenever I want and expect to stay any way but fat. There is something holding me where I am right now and I need to identify it and overcome it. I have been seriously considering some therapy or twelve step work. There are demons that haunt my world that many people wouldn't understand (I say that however more people than I could ever imagine probably do understand). In fact, the thing that gives me hope is that I do not have to let these demons haunt my world forever, I just let them now. Others do not struggle like I do and I possibly could lead a normal life. I know there are people that understand, but I know that the only person who really needs to understand what makes me self destruct is me. It is a slow destruction, almost worse than a drug addict that goes out and gets doped up or an alcoholic who drinks all the time. In a way you can remove yourself from the triggers, the numbing medicine so to speak, but I can't remove myself from food and it is so hard to stay active when all I want to do is sleep or lay on my bed and watch tv. I need to get over the things that have brought me to this point before I can truly succeed. There is a person inside me that I want to be and I must make it happen.
I am so sorry if none of this makes sense. I am rambling, but it is a hard truth that I must face. It is something that I have been avoiding for the better part of 20 years. This journal may very well take a decided turn as I explore the reasons behind the hiding I do. It is raw and it is deep and it will not get better until I deal with it. I find it so hard to really give myself the right to admit that awful things have happened, so much worse has happened to people close to me. I got through it fairly unscathed, but not unscathed enough. I sometimes wonder if my pain is worth even talking about. I have such a sense of worthlessness. I feel like my pain is not even worth it, like it is not big enough. I feel like nothing I ever do is worth anything... walking, talking mediocrity.
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